Puns with Impunity


is a fussy cat purrsnickety?

if you over cook your meat is it a miss-steak?

is placentophagy a Cesarean salad?

is the Hulk a choler-ed green?
sea anemone or CNN-enmity

if you enjoy your visit to Chernobyl do you give it a glowing recommendation?

if you are famous for growing herbs, are you a paragon of tarragon?

if you ask to ring a bell is it a peal appeal?

if you don't believe in global warming are you anti-climatic?

if you ate too much did you nine?

if you make tomato sauce by the sea is it marina marinara?

you say its sentimental, i say it's sediment

you say your apartment is homey but it's just homely

why doesn't anyone like the designated driver?
they drive everyone to drink

An adult and a dolt.

Goal in life: invite some friends who like board games over to play a 'tile-placing game' and get them to retile my kitchen.

if you have a relative who hates insects is she an anti-ant aunt?

someone should start a health food brand called Chip & Kale

if you can't wait to see your mother's sister, is it aunticipation?

if you are brainstorming ways to get a co-conspirator out of jail, are your free associating to free an associate?

if you are mad about the smells from a neighboring apartment, are you incensed by incense and do you censor censers?

draw and quarter me like one of your english girls, jack the ripper

if you give up on your OTP have you abandoned ship?

if you are talking about the recent intense weather, is it a topical storm?

no matter how hard I study I always get a B- on blood tests

if you hurt your back chopping wood you are a lumberjack who jacked their lumbar?

If you are a determined ass, are you a donkey-ote?

if something benefits male thieves, is it rogue-gain for men?

remember the time the paladin got stuck in the mud? it was mid-knight

if cuddling with a contented cat helps you sleep, is it so-purr-ific?

if you want to applaud someone getting their degree, do you congraduate them?

if you try to sell ham to falcons, do you hawk hocks to hawks?

did you hear about the antelope who kept stabbing people with its horns? they called it vlad the impala

phd students are to theses as monkeys are to feces

movie idea: a shakespearean western called rodeo and juliet

i got my hair cut, it was a weight off my mind, but now i feel a little light-headed.

if someone talks up their guac a lot, is it avocado bravado

if you are incubating eggs, do you get hot chicks?

if you have a contest to identify things based off their odors, is it a smelling bee?

if you stumble and fall towards a sea bird, is it auk-ward?

if you get used to living in the country, have you become ac-quaint-ed?

if your new years celebration gimmick fails, did you drop the ball on the ball dropping?

if you keep someone at arms length, aren't you giving them the cold shoulder?

if you say goodbye to some fish which are weaving back and forth, do you shalom salmon slaloms?

if you make mech suits, should you solder soldiers' shoulders?

if you somehow got mono twice do you have stereo?

is a bra a booby trap?

who can take over eurasia? genghis can

if you break your glasses, do you have to use your emergency contacts?

if you regularly make fries with gravy and cheese curds, do you have a poutine routine?

if you flatten a bunch of undead with a car, is it a zomboni?

if you are very exasperated do you admit thunder sighs?
if you smash desserts, do you sunder pies?
if you initially avoid someone then move closer so your legs touch, do you have tsundere thighs?

if you have two statues in your garden is it bi-gnome-ial?

if a french loaf is found at a crime scene, do they say ``baguette? bag it and tag it''?

if you have too many accessories, are they excessories?

if someone tries to listen in on Stephen's conversations, are they stevesdropping?

some people have domestic partners, some people have feral partners

if you have old coins which are no longer legal tender, are they pastency instead of currency?

if you are very hot and under a lot of pressure, does your carbon footprint become a diamond footprint?

you get a fancy car.
what fuel do you put in your fancy car? mercedes-benzene
what disease do you get from driving your fancy car up a mountain too quick? the mercedes-bends
what medicine do you take for your disease? mercedes-benzedrine

i'mma gonna have a daughter
name her mel
give her a border collie
and label the pictures ``mel and collie''

if someone asks if you like their dress and you equivocate, then are you trying to skirt the issue?

I'm gonna start a powerful unlicensed radio station, and call it national pirate radio, or NPArr for short.

if you make jello shots, does that mean the 80 proof is in the pudding

if you used to be pert, does that make you an ex-pert?

if you are feeling morose but someone makes you feel better, are you then lessrose?

if you try to convince someone that handbags should be made of leather, are you trying to purse-suede them?

after the crazed man was tazed, he was not unfazed: he had a glazed, dazed gaze like he was lost in a hazy maze

if you keep track of how many times some one insults you, is it a discount?

if you commit a cyber crime, do they throw the ebook at you?

if someone gives you tips on how to play with your cat without moving are they lazier laser pointer pointers?

if your spouse's family are in-laws, is your own family outlaws?

if you try to enumerate all your complaints, are you trying to kvetch them all?

if someone claims to be allergic to goose down, do you thank them for their gander dander candor, or do you denounce their gander dander slander?

who needs variety, verity is the spice of life

if you practice illegal medicine do you put banned-aids on people?

if you pretend to be rich are you putting on million-airs?

if you want to know what it would be like to live your life through someone else, are you vicurious?

shouldn't subpar be a good thing?

my thoughts are increasingly non-planar and ill-suited to expression in linear English sentences

if you accidentally let some upsetting news slip when talking to someone, is it a schadenfreudian slip?

halloween costume idea: Elvish Elvis

feeling peachy. which is to say I have soft, fleshy, hairy exterior with a cold hard pit inside.

why'd the aspiring chef fail the culinary exam? they ran outta thyme

if you invite your new boss over for Indian food, are you trying to curry favor with curry flavor?

if you sell a landmine does it become a landyours?

a waist is a terrible thing to mind

if someone tells you a sad story about their Swedish car, is it a Saab story?

other people use screwdrivers, I have a screwchauffeur

the clothes make the man
the cloves make the garlic
the cloven hooves make the centaur

`I bought some lamb chops today.'
`How many bites of ram did you get?'

why did the managers get their suits pressed while their workers were picketing outside?
They remembered the adage `iron while the strike is hot'.

can we stop struggling to overcome adversity and start snuggling to overcome adversity

if any one cracks wise about a famous cellist's mom are they yo yo mama jokes?

UPS just emailed me to say "To take advantage of UPS My Choice features, you can upgrade your package."

"The 2015 National Content Test is being conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau to test census questionnaire content and to obtain nationwide measurements of response rates for Internet and self-response." so it's a census census?

do people who use negging believe in love at first slight?

when you use a keyboard with both hands, are you stereotyping?

Similes are like metaphors.
Metaphors are similes.

You have a container of distilled water, and a container of salt water. I take the salt water since it is the bath of least resistance.

is there a rags-to-riches porn starring Fallacio Alger?

is a floating sans font aerial arial?

New Hampshire: Live Free or die trying
Vermont: Live Free and tie dying?

if you get eaten by a shark, do you rest in Pisces

zappos should adopt zapdos as their mascot `lightning fast delivery'

when you are confused about your old college's practices, do you ask "what the alma matter with you?"

is it time to update the phantom tollbooth to the phantom ez pass

if you are feeling a little down and a little sick are you feeling turquoise?

Some people are exotic dancers. I am more of an ergodic dancer.

if I was a blacksmith, my company would be called "what have I wrought iron"

if your significant other is small, are they chibae

if a movie features nuclear war and Chthulu is it Strangelovecraftian?

stone cold steve austin should do coldstone cremery commercials

teenage Newton ninja physicist

"System update needs to update" oh jeez I hope System update update is up to date.

Imagining someone with a Boston accent saying "I left my car keys in my khakis"

most people feel some trepidation about trepanation

they says pictures are worth a thousand words but they still let you tweet them

is a small catacomb a kittycomb?

is johnny pneumatic the steam-punk prequel to johnny mnemonic?

What sort of ache does a winner wake up with? Champagne

50 shades of greyscale would be a good name for a photoblog

if you are a tailor and make a mistake but use a stitch remover to take it out, does that mean you rip what you sew?

If I tear my pants, do britches get stitches?

if you rub a cat's belly and they don't like it, do scritches get stitches?

wouldn't "heels over head" make more sense than "head over heels"? My head is usually higher than my heels.

does expecto patron summon tequila?

if google makes a smaller nook will they call it a cranny?

if you aren't fine, are you coarse?

when you make a line in tetris, are any leftover blocks tetris detritus?

I want to brew a rice wine and call it "for goodness sake" or "sake of contradiction" and the ad campaign would be like "what would you do for sake of contradiction?"

There should be a hair salon in Charlottesville called the Barber of Cville

if you make people mad by rattling stuff around, did you cause a raucous maracas fracas

From now on, I'm going to interpret the phrase "for the time being" as something being sacrificed to the "Time Being" - the unforgiving god of time. "We'll put it here...for the Time Being."

my new years resolution is 1920 x 1080

George Lucas ought to license Star Wars themed beer. There would of course be an Imperial Stout, and it could use the catch phrase "Beer will keep the local systems in line"

Thomas' New Fashioned English Muffins : now full of crooks and nannies.

which is worse, being morbidly curious, or curiously morbid?

beware of geeks bearing glyphs.

if you are taken aback by an affront, are you back where you started?

it's too true to be good.

if you steal a legal pad, does it become an illegal pad?

if a city has enough superheroes, is it super-saturated?

Has anyone ever told a cannibal "You ate what you are"?

Can you do something advertently, or only inadvertently?

Don't look a gift camera in the lens mount.

more vampires than you can shake a stake at.

orally disintegrating tablets sound like something you really do not want to put in your mouth.

my room is disheveled. I have to re-hevel it.

red is my favorite flavor.

Is there an unauthorized sequel Lord of the Flies called Fjord of the Lies?

eschew sesquipedalian lexicon.

The llama's genus and species is "Lama glama". The mind reels.

it's like falling off a bicycle - the scars won't let you forget

let's burn that bridge when we get to it, shall we?

it's no use crying about split milk under the bridge.

Denatured protein, muscle tissue, and curdled milk for breakfast. Yum.

pop rocks + soda pop = pop art, maybe?

my mommy taught me not to take cookies from strange websites.

I call shenanigans so often I have her on speed dial.

be careful to buy the correct type of pie: failure to do so might cause a meringue harangue.

If you succeed in describing an ineffable thing, have you effed it?

Brittany: my space key is mad
me: why is it mad
me: are you pushing its buttons?

If you don't play fast and loose, do you play slow and tight?

I used to be young and foolish. Now I am a fool and youngish.

everything in moderation. Except moderation.

squirrel gout cookies!

If I stop procrastinating, does that mean I am anticrastinating?

Toasting with liquor given as a Christmas gift raises your holiday spirits

give me Liberace or give me death
give me libations or give me death
give me library or give me death

I have a mind like a steel trap...that was left out in the rain and rusted to the point of being inoperable.

Life is like kicking a football. Some days you are the football. Other days you are Charlie Brown.


being severed from the server hurts severely.

magneto is a mutinous mutant

the pitter-patter of little kitter-katters as they scitter-scatter

is it an error for a millionaire's heir to put on airs

"baby, be my bee bae"

Sitting on the settee, Seth seethed about Settlers and Set.

is it luxurious to be uxorious?

occidental ocelots oscillate accidentally

the incisive are often divisive

do people eat charred char?

are there assonant sonnets about consonants?

the wretched wench with the wrench retched

Winston wouldst whistle whilst whist.

curmudgeon with a bludgeon in high dudgeon

I feel as if I were draggled down a declivitous decline.

Skulk for skullduggery.


if your pupil brings you an apple, are they the apple of your eye?

they call 'em pupils, but my students don't seem to see anything

variables are supposed to be indeterminate, not illegible

is an ellipse in the complex plane an iconic section?

when I assign homework to my students, I can honestly say "this hurts me more than it hurts you." Way more.

residues make me feel icky.

caffeine is a liquid which turns zombies into mathematicians.

the graph of my progress on homework is like the devil's staircase. The derivative is almost everywhere 0.
the set of time where I get work done is a Cantor set.

if you witness someone solve a related rates problem, have you committed complicit differentiation?

My analysis is funky, but I am not sure I would call it functional.

When I give presentations, I don't go off on tangents. I do go off on secants though.

While I hope my students duly note something, I feel like they note it dully instead.

please excuse my deer, aunt Sally
please excuse my dear ant, Sally
please excuse my deer, ant Sally

"this vector field is not conservative (must be liberal)"

I thought my friend just said "I took sadistical mechanics"

"The proof? You can't handle the proof!"

let's talk about sets, baby

don't go chasing diagrams, stick to those commutative diagrams that you're used to

"It's so rigorous it has rigor mortis"

masochism? more like mathochism.

A back seat deriver : someone who gives undesired advice on how to go about proving a mathematical result.

Algebraists are manipulative.

you make me feel like a natural logarithm.

You know how students sometimes say the answer to some question which clearly should be positive (like the area of a shape) is negative? I usually write "This is a negative number, which is a bad sign."

proctoring exams makes me feel testy.

teachers try to drive their students to think.
students try to drive their teachers to drink.

The mathematicians were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of Banach spaces danced in their wee little heads

People are like Cauchy sequences in a complete space; they have limits.

The Banach-Tarski paradox is making a mountain out of a molehill.

all the singularities/
all the singularities/
if you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it
if you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it

if you forget your logical connectives, errands become errors

putting the rue in rubric

math grad school: where everything is made up and the points don't matter

"Look upon my homework, ye mighty, and despair"

mathematicians always talk about open problems, for once I'd love to hear about a clopen problem

I want to teach Calc II so I can offhandedly refer to a complicated sigma notion as a sum of a bitch

if you don't follow any algorithm to solve a problem, are you using a georgebushithm?

Here's a book I'd like to quack open.
Teach your students about canard-ality.

when life gives you lemmas, make theorems.

Late to bed and early to rise makes math majors get circles under their eyes?

I can say I decimated my homework if I did 10% of problems, right?

you think you're transcendental but you are just irrational

if you are good at calculus do you integreat

if you are really good at linear algebra
are you a domin-matrix


c'mon baby fight my liar

wake me up inside
when september ends

life in the breakdown lane

The Blueman group and Outback steakhouse should make a Blueman Onion

if you ship cds from the 90s/00s are you a Green Day packer

If listening to `Living on a Prayer' puts you in a good mood, does it make you Bon Jovial?

Subway should have a one day greek food special and use David Bowie's song "we could be gyros, just for one day"

"I wish you were here."
"Pink Floyd, Incubus, or Avril Lavigne?"

terrible mash up ideas:
darude/metallica: enter the sandstorm
enya/blind melon: day with no rain
katrina & the waves/smashmouth/cream: walking on the sunshine of your love
yes/cake/blues traveler: the long distance run around
coldplay/ricky martin: viva la vida loca
(also acceptable: iron butterfly/ricky martin: in-a-gadda-de-vida-loca)

baby we were born to pun

my anaconda don't want none unless you got puns, hun


if you are playing WoW early in the morning do you drink MMOsas

if someone interrupts your VR gaming experience do you say "don't harsh my vive, bro"?

someone needs to write a stardew valley guide called ``stardews and don'ts''

if you spin around while brushing then don't use mouthwash, is it a 360 no scope

Chthonic the hedgehog.

resident evil within
left 4 dead by daylight

my low % speedrun of life isn't going so hot, but i might still p.b.

I like that the ``we are all in a computer simulation'' idea could be used to explain away weird subatomic particle behavior as bugs in the physics engine.

sonic went on a hunger strike, but no one noticed because he always goes fast

That game came out on Wii, more like ennui amirite

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